Tag Archives: physical touch

Another 5 Things I Learned from Falling in Love

Posted on by

1

At the start of 2011 I wrote a post entitled 5 Things I Learned from Falling In Love which I reposted on this blog a few month’s ago. It’s now the season of hearts and I’ve learned a couple more things. I found out a couple of weeks ago that a writer friend of mine-Eugene Soyosa reads my blog! *goshI Feeling ko super sikat na ko. So I’m dedicating this post to him, just coz.

1. Love doesn’t happen in a minute.

One of my friends had this as the status of his instant messenger…and upon reading it, I nodded my head in agreement. I think that infatuation, attraction, ‘clicking’ with someone happens almost at an instant but the deep love whether filial, platonic or romantic that sustains relationships take time. It is a feeling that moves one to make a choice and a choice that enables the feeling to be sustained. Feeling happens in an instant, but choosing to love takes a while…you have to clear away the clutter first.

2. Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. – M. Scott Peck, O Magazine, February 2004

Love stretches you…it leads, nudges and sometimes kicks you to the outskirts of yourself where you and the other engage. If you are willing, the experience of loving someone whether a brother, a friend or a partner calls you to make choices that are greater than yourself…that test your present self. It compels you to relate to the person you love with greater empathy, acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, patience, humility…but as M. Scott Peck frames, this generosity of self is only possible in the experience of real love.

3. Love and fear are frequent travelling companions.

Reflecting on my own experiences of love, I note that in the face of love I have also faced my fears. To love truly, one must open up oneself to the other – you. And in that face the fear of discovering yourself and the rejection of the other person.  In choosing to love someone-including accepting his/her flaws and your incompatibilities, you face the fear of losing control…of letting go of the other’s response (whatever it will) to your love. In giving the person you love time, support, effort – pieces of yourself, you inevitably face the fear of being consumed by the other person – losing yourself. Yet if the other truly loves, he/she will not allow that to happen.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.- 1 John 4:18

In the end, to really love and be loved you gotta get over your fear. The vulnerability you feel sheds light on the parts of yourself that you need to work on.

4. Knowing the 5 Languages of Love is invaluable in relationships.

So many relationship problems happen because of communication problems…sometimes its because one is close minded or the other is too focused on himself…but what if both parties are sincerely giving their all to understand the other person to no avail. According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, the two parties are not ‘speaking the same language.’ One is speaking in English and the other in French.

There are 5 Love Languages:

  • Words of Affirmation: You feel loved when you receive compliments. In return you make others feel loved by sharing your good thoughts about them. You value the spoken and written word. Being told – I love you, I’m sorry, You’re beautiful and hearing why the other feels that way sends you soaring.
  • Quality Time: Basically this means you greatly appreciate the attention of the other person, and likewise you also express your love by showering the person you love with your presence. You are the kind of person that will not be distracted by other things when you’re with someone you love: everything else is on hold.
  • Receiving Gifts: The thoughtfulness and effort of the gift giver makes you feel loved. Gift giving means that the other person has knows you, cares about you and is willing to make the effort to seek out and deliver a gift to you. Gifts don’t have to be expensive and extravagant but sincere and meaningful.
  • Acts of Service: Helping each other out with the day-to-day  things is an act of service. You express your love by making your partner’s load lighter, sharing responsibilities.
  • Physical Touch: Obviously, you are a touchy person. You like being affectionate and cuddly. You like holding hands, hugging, touching the shoulder, etc. You find comfort in a loving caress.

If you know your love language then you can guide your partner into making you feel more loved in a way that you can appreciate it. For example, if you appreciate acts of service then you can say – I really feel loved when you carry my things for me.

If you know your partner’s love language then you can express your love in a way that he/she will appreciate more. For example, if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts then you can get him/her something even when there’s no occasion just to show that you love him/her.

Imagine how much more loving your relationships would be just by communicating in the same language.

5. Love is measured by fullness and not by reception.

I think every person has been a recipient of acts that are not loving. It hurts us and pains us and we become conscious of the need to protect ourselves – of the need to ‘make sure’ that our love is reciprocated, otherwise why bother?

And yet anyone who has loved fully, knows that ‘reciprocity’ while wonderful is not a requirement for loving someone. Ideally one loves because one loves and not because one is loved (though loving and being loved is mutually reinforcing). As Harold Stokes says: “An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.”

Happy love month everyone!

5 Things I Learned About Thinking About Death

Posted on by

0

Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 12, 2011

I think about death everyday. Seriously! It’s something I started doing as a teenager. I daydream about death-other persons as well as mine. The scenarios are unlikely but often a real possibility such as my entire family dying in one fell swoop either from a vehicular accident or a house fire/explosion. I’ve thought of friends committing suicide and being killed (foul play). I’ve thought about the death of people who are important to the people who are important to me. I think about how I could die tomorrow or soon. I know it seems morbid…but really it’s not. I’m not wishing for death, mine or anyone else’s though truthfully sometimes I get so involved in my daydreaming that the scenes that play out in my head bring me to tears. Why do it (again and again) if it brings such sadness… well because every time I do it, I learn something important about myself, my relationships and about life and living.

1) I realize how meaningful a person is to me.

We all know the saying ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.’ Death is the ultimate ‘gone-ness.’ There’s no coming back from it… things that are left unsaid are unsaid, hurtful words we were never able to apologize for plague us who are alive, etc. Therapy, counseling and healing techniques for dealing with pain regarding a deceased loved one are corrective. And sadly more people do not get to fully heal from such a loss.

For someone like me who can be so ‘busy,’ it’s so easy for me to overlook the people in my life and how I feel about them. But when I think about them being gone, I remind myself that this person is important to me. Sometimes, I have even surprised myself with the intensity of the feeling of loss – I realize then that a certain person apparently meant so much more to me than I knew.

2) I am motivated to show that appreciation.

Gary Chapman in his book the 5 Languages of Love, talks about how we give and receive love differently. It is as if there is a filter saying this is how to love and this is what it feels like to be loved. The five languages of love are as follows: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Because I am reminded how important someone is to me, I am motivated to cultivate my relationship with him/her by communicating my appreciation and love. In the end there are only two things I want the other person to know: he/s is special to me, that I love him/her.

It takes a lot of work to cultivate relationships but its rewards are incomparable.

3) I get to visualize how I will respond to such events in the future. If I don’t like it, I can work on it now.

What if I found out when exactly I would die? Would I be one of those people that rush to cram doing everything they left for later between now and when they would die? Would I be someone who recoiled into herself at the idea that I would be dying, pushing everyone away? (For a time, that was the image that popped into my head when I thought about my own death. I’m working on figuring out why that is so. So far I’ve realized it has something to do with my having to be strong, independent and my fear of connecting with others).

When I think about other people dying, I try to see how I would react. Would I breakdown at the thought of losing my whole family? Could I survive it if my best friends died? Would it matter to me if people that rubbed me the wrong way passed away?

4) I am prompted to take note of the little things. (Well it’s one of the things I’m working on)

Again, I tend to rush through my day, observing and taking note only of what seems useful. So sadly, I have missed out on the random things that color my world, that lift me up, that inspire me, that make me feel alive, that give me joy. I’m learning to be more present to my self in my day… It is in the little things-glancing at the floor and finding a 100 peso bill, the unexpected smile from the stranger you cross on the street, a man holding the door for you as you enter, the giggle of a young toddler, the vibrancy of the color of a flower…

5) I am reminded to be present today, to enjoy each moment of life, to live now.

A moment comes but once…other moments may be similar but each moment is unique, never to be experienced again. For as we experience each moment, we are changed. We can never experience experiences again…all we have is today to savor it and embed it in our memories.

5 Things I Learned About Relationships From Meredith Grey

Posted on by

0

Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 13, 2011 (seemed timely to re-post as I just finished Season 7 the other week)

As I was doing my normal thinking routine, I came across a couple of quotes from the fictional character: Meredith Grey from the US show Grey’s Anatomy. I love Grey’s Anatomy especially the first few seasons. Now, I’m not such an addict but I still try to keep up with the series. I know the show is a whole lot of drama and is an exaggeration of the universal human experience but well… that’s TV for you.

So here’s 5 things I learned about relationships from Meredith Grey

1. “At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.”

We are all afraid of being hurt, of disappointment, of being stupid…we do our best to guard our hearts, to be conservative in the risks we take in beginning to love someone and loving them some more. If we are willing, we let them in a little and then if all goes well we let them in a lot. But so many of us never really honestly lets the other person in-there is that line we are too conscious of- too afraid of crossing…the last line of defense that signals if I let you in you could destroy me…I would be at your mercy.

I don’t know how to figure out which lines are worth crossing and which ones aren’t. That’s a circumstance we each have to face and we respond to differently. But I think it is imperative that we face it and we make a decision – to avoid it, to exist in ambiguity is the greater torture.

2. “I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.”

Unwelcome advances are easy to spot – even without any physical contact you can already feel uncomfortable by just the intention  of the other person. But when you genuinely like the other person, his/her advances are welcomed…then we have to figure out whether it’s healthy or unhealthy – whether it’s good for us or not. What’s even more tricky is realizing that you want it but it’s not good for you!

3. “Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

There are so many intelligent women that are denial junkies when it comes to matters of the heart. (Full disclosure: I am one of them). We know better but still we choose something unhealthy for us. We rationalize and try to fool ourselves into thinking that things will go our way even though we know it’s never going to happen. Whether it’s unrequited love, an abusive and selfish partner,  an obsession with someone unattainable… the pattern is the same.

We wait till we’re at rock bottom, feeling like shit before we actually do something about it. Then we bash ourselves for being stupid when we should have been smarter than that.

4. “Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.“

Life is a series of ups and downs. To hope for perpetual happiness and to expect never-ending difficulties is the surest way to a life of misery. It is through celebrating the big and the small that joy is created and maintained. To acknowledge the difficulty and our resilience and love ourselves for it would be the greatest self-gift.

5. “At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”

No one wants to be alone. We all want to belong and feel connected to each other. If we only recognize that fact then maybe we can be grateful for the relationships we do have and work to make them better.

Well I hope your Valentine’s is better than mine! xoxo