Tag Archives: hurt

5 Things I Learned From Horse Riding

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first published on January 12, 2011 on my Wisdom of a 20-Something; republished on 5 Things I Learned on January 25, 2011

1) Your bum is gonna hurt.

It’s a fact… but eventually you’ll be so used to the discomfort that it won’t matter. It’s the same in life…we eventually get desensitized from the not so ideal things that surround us. In some cases, like horse riding or learning to tune out noise or distractions that can be a good thing. But there are other things like poverty, injustice and cruelty that we should not want to be desensitized from.

2) Sometimes its ok not to follow the rules.

If you’ve ever gone horse riding, the first lesson you learn is how to mount and position yourself on a horse. Your bum should be in the saddle and your feet in their respective stirrups. I often removed my feet from the stirrups, just because.

On one occasion when I was a kid, my family went to this place where you could rent a horse for a ride. My mom decided to take a photo of me on the horse. The horse spooked, I was unprepared and got thrown off. It was a good thing that my feet (naturally) weren’t in the stirrups or I would have ended up with injured ankles, knees or both.

Knowing which rules to break, resist or go against is tricky. It can go both ways – you could be lucky or successful or you could be condemned.

3) Horses stink.

Let’s face it… all animals have a certain smell. I don’t care if its a goldfish or a snake or an elephant-there is always some sort of odor if not from the animal itself then from its habitat.

Like #1, you eventually get used to the smell.

4) Hold on.

Even the best trained horses have their moods and can be unpredictable. If I’d been holding on well, I probably wouldn’t have been thrown off the horse even if it did spook. (Note: I wasn’t holding the reigns.)

Life’s like that too… there are events and seasons where you just have to hold on.

5) Enjoy.

Horse riding is enjoyable… When you’re on a horse, you see things from a different perspective (literally). And usually, the place you are horse riding in is scenic. Enjoy the view and the experience.

5 Things I Learned from “Make You Feel My Love”

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 2, 2011

“Make You Feel My Love” is a song composed and first released by Bob Dylan in 1997. I especially like the version of Adele because her rendition borders on gentle hope and sadness.

1. A touch-warm embrace, a strong hold, is a good way to make someone feel loved.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the star appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

2. Be patient and stay true and sincere.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
There’s no doubt in my mind where you belong

3. Don’t hold back. Be generous. Be ready to sacrifice and give of yourself.

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

4. It won’t be easy, you may be pushed away. Remember, who you are separate from who you love. Therein lies your strength.

The storms are raging on rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

5. If you truly love, their happiness comes first even if it isn’t with you.

There ain’t nothin’ that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

Be patient.

5 Things I Learned about Doctors

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 15, 2011 (after a particularly long day at the doctor’s office)

1. Patience is required.

Over the past few months I’ve had to visit my doctor quite a lot and the waiting can be really frustrating. I’d wait for a minimum of 30 minutes (and so far a maximum of 2 hours) to speak with my doctor for a minimum of 4 minutes (and so far a maximum of 15 minutes). I’m sure you’ve experienced the same.

Having patients wait is the most efficient from the doctor’s perspective. Unlike business meetings, you can’t peg down how long a specific doctor’s appointment will be. Sometimes a visit can last 2-3 minutes-just a quick “how are you-I’m feeling good-Come see me next week” kinda conversation with your doctor. Or it can take longer (that usually means there’s something seriously wrong with the patient or the patient is being inquisitive or difficult.) The point is, for the doctor-you don’t really know what to expect until the patient gets there and starts talking. So having patients be patient, sorry for the pun, is the most efficient for the doctor. Note that, the doctor actually wants to speed things along. S/he wants to accommodate more patients in a day as that would mean more consultation fees.

The clinic I go to, Healthway Shangri-la Mall has a system in place…that at least makes waiting more palatable. There’s a numbering system so you sort of have an idea of when you will be called. They also SMS you when the doctor is in, etc.  But waiting anywhere from 10mins to 2 hours  is inevitable.

So I started thinking of a system where both doctors and patients are happy. Imagine this:

  • Register to see your doctor. This can be done online 24 hours before the doctors’ consultation schedule. Put in the necessary personal info if its your 1st time or just pull up your records if your a regular patient. It’s important that the patient has a functioning mobile number.
  • The system sends an SMS to the patient 2 hours before the doctors’ consultation schedule to advise the patient a) the doctor is coming and b) what number they are and around what time they should be at the doctors’. It asks the patient to confirm via SMS that they will be visiting the doctor.
  • Patient #1, #2 and #3 should be at the doctors’ when consultation time starts. The doctor sees him/her – pulls up the patient’s records on the computer. This signals the system that the appointment has begun and prompts the system to send an SMS to Patient #4 that the doctor is seeing Patient #1 and that Patient #4 should be at the doctors’ in 15 minutes or something like that. When it’s Patient #2′s turn, Patient #5 is alerted, and so on.

It isn’t a perfect system (I just thought of this as I was waiting for the doctor earlier) but I’m sure there’s a way to leverage SMS technology to make visiting the doctor more time efficient than it currently is.

Another reason why patience is necessary – sometimes the effects of treatment (or even the treatment itself) takes some time. You might even feel worse before feeling better.

2. The more data you supply the doctor, the better.

People avoid medical check-ups and visiting the doctors under the illusion that ‘what I don’t know won’t hurt me.’ But when it comes to health this is more than just an illusion it is dangerous. However, even when patients are with a doctor, they’d rather be vague (and even lie) about what’s going on with them.

Do you know the show House? The main protagonist, Dr. Greggory House, an expert diagnostician, believes that patients (and their families) lie all the time. Thus as a doctor and diagnostician, if you depend on what the patient tell you-the lies, you won’t be able to get to the root of the problem.

Take note (literally, write it on paper) of what you are feeling, how often, how severe, where exactly, etc. anything that has to do with your body and what’s wrong with it so you can give your doctor some data. It helps him/her diagnose you faster.

Don’t hold back information about yourself – your addictions, your lifestyle, etc. Something minor to you may greatly affect your treatment.

3. Look for a doctor you are comfortable talking to.

If you can’t talk to your doctor then it’s going to be hard for him/her to monitor your health or address your health problems. You need to be able to tell him/her things that are weird, yucky, personal -  what’s going on with your body (and sometimes even your mind).

You need to be comfortable asking the questions you need to ask. There is no such things as a dumb question. Your doctor should answer them. If you don’t ask questions, your doctor will assume you understand whatever he/she said.

On the flip side, the doctor’s demeanor should be one you are comfortable with, whether its business-like or friendly. If you are intimidated by your doctor, it will be very difficult to establish a good relationship.

4. A doctor is a profession.

Doctor’s work as doctors. It is thier income earning activity. Even for the most generous and self-sacrificing of doctors have to put food on the table. The most common way they earn is through consultation fees. They make you see them routinely for check-ups or follow-ups so that they earn consultation fees every time you visit them. If the doctor can manage it, s/he will see you more often than really necessary. In my experience, the doctor assumed that because I had a company health card all my visits were company paid. So she had me come see her more often than what was really necessary. But I was paying for them…at one point two-thirds of my salary for the month went to paying the doctor and the tests.

Cash strapped patients shouldn’t be shy about expressing their difficulties with the doctor. They are human, they know financial and health troubles. Besides, if you find that your doctor is overly concerned about the ‘money’ then he/she may not be the best doctor for you.

5. Doctors appreciate appreciation.

Being a doctor is more than just being able to identify the problem and knowing how to and being able to solve it. Doctors endeavor to be emphatic to their patients to rejoice in their good health and to provide strength when there are health problems. Express your appreciation to your doctor – kind words, asking “How are you?” or “How’s your day so far?”, wishing them well, saying “Thank You!”…etc. It matters to them :D

5 Things I Learned About Thinking About Death

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 12, 2011

I think about death everyday. Seriously! It’s something I started doing as a teenager. I daydream about death-other persons as well as mine. The scenarios are unlikely but often a real possibility such as my entire family dying in one fell swoop either from a vehicular accident or a house fire/explosion. I’ve thought of friends committing suicide and being killed (foul play). I’ve thought about the death of people who are important to the people who are important to me. I think about how I could die tomorrow or soon. I know it seems morbid…but really it’s not. I’m not wishing for death, mine or anyone else’s though truthfully sometimes I get so involved in my daydreaming that the scenes that play out in my head bring me to tears. Why do it (again and again) if it brings such sadness… well because every time I do it, I learn something important about myself, my relationships and about life and living.

1) I realize how meaningful a person is to me.

We all know the saying ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.’ Death is the ultimate ‘gone-ness.’ There’s no coming back from it… things that are left unsaid are unsaid, hurtful words we were never able to apologize for plague us who are alive, etc. Therapy, counseling and healing techniques for dealing with pain regarding a deceased loved one are corrective. And sadly more people do not get to fully heal from such a loss.

For someone like me who can be so ‘busy,’ it’s so easy for me to overlook the people in my life and how I feel about them. But when I think about them being gone, I remind myself that this person is important to me. Sometimes, I have even surprised myself with the intensity of the feeling of loss – I realize then that a certain person apparently meant so much more to me than I knew.

2) I am motivated to show that appreciation.

Gary Chapman in his book the 5 Languages of Love, talks about how we give and receive love differently. It is as if there is a filter saying this is how to love and this is what it feels like to be loved. The five languages of love are as follows: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Because I am reminded how important someone is to me, I am motivated to cultivate my relationship with him/her by communicating my appreciation and love. In the end there are only two things I want the other person to know: he/s is special to me, that I love him/her.

It takes a lot of work to cultivate relationships but its rewards are incomparable.

3) I get to visualize how I will respond to such events in the future. If I don’t like it, I can work on it now.

What if I found out when exactly I would die? Would I be one of those people that rush to cram doing everything they left for later between now and when they would die? Would I be someone who recoiled into herself at the idea that I would be dying, pushing everyone away? (For a time, that was the image that popped into my head when I thought about my own death. I’m working on figuring out why that is so. So far I’ve realized it has something to do with my having to be strong, independent and my fear of connecting with others).

When I think about other people dying, I try to see how I would react. Would I breakdown at the thought of losing my whole family? Could I survive it if my best friends died? Would it matter to me if people that rubbed me the wrong way passed away?

4) I am prompted to take note of the little things. (Well it’s one of the things I’m working on)

Again, I tend to rush through my day, observing and taking note only of what seems useful. So sadly, I have missed out on the random things that color my world, that lift me up, that inspire me, that make me feel alive, that give me joy. I’m learning to be more present to my self in my day… It is in the little things-glancing at the floor and finding a 100 peso bill, the unexpected smile from the stranger you cross on the street, a man holding the door for you as you enter, the giggle of a young toddler, the vibrancy of the color of a flower…

5) I am reminded to be present today, to enjoy each moment of life, to live now.

A moment comes but once…other moments may be similar but each moment is unique, never to be experienced again. For as we experience each moment, we are changed. We can never experience experiences again…all we have is today to savor it and embed it in our memories.

5 Things I Learned about Broken People

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 2, 2011

Life is a journey of ups and downs. Those that have a good life, learn the value and skill of self-healing early on. In the past two weeks alone, I’ve encountered so many people, from all walks of life and of various ages that share one thing in common – they are broken (and have been for some time).

Broken people are people who have been hurt but have not healed-they are still hurting. There are many different causes of brokenness and reasons for why one did not heal. Sadly, I have come to realize that there are many many more broken people and for so many of them they remain broken for years and maybe even till the day they day. There’s so much more to say about this, but for now I’ll stick to my 5 Things…

1. Broken people break other people.

Broken people are guarded – they are not generous with themselves. Why? Because their life experiences have caused them pain so they guard themselves as best as they can so as not to get hurt again. They are afraid to be vulnerable so they put up a front. The front can be of strength, of candor, of leadership, of arrogance and sometimes even of empathy. The basic commonality is that they keep most if not all people at a distance and they do not let themselves be vulnerable.

In being guarded however, a broken person is always on the defensive…such that if another person rubs him/her in the wrong way the broken person can react very strongly. In worst cases, a broken person is on the offensive – the insecurities that are rooted in his/her brokenness are always at the surface. They are ready to battle others anytime even over the smallest of things. The most broken people even cause brokenness around them. Some are negative, skeptic, unduly critical, not supportive, irritable, etc. these can be seen both in their words and in their actions which affect the people around them.

Broken people do not empower – the worst of them disempowers other people. I would bet through that they do not do this intentionally. Most are unaware of how their words, actions and behavior hurt other people. In many cases, it makes sense to them so they don’t have any reasons to change (this is the same for ourselves and our own brokenness).

2. Acknowledge your own brokenness.

Life’s ups and downs affect us all. No one is spared. So we’ve all been hurt, and most of the time we are also bearing our brokenness (usually hurts from our childhood that never healed).

I’m sure we’ve all been ‘broken’ at some point in our lives and it is highly likely that we will experience it again. The likelihood that we will feel pain and experience brokenness  again is high. Given this, understand where the other is coming from. The worst thing we can do for the people around us, is pass on our brokenness to them. So when you find yourself in that situation, take stock of the bigger picture and don’t lash out.

On the flip side, acknowledging our own brokenness should also lead us to #3.

3. Approach the broken with gentleness, sincere concern and genuine love.

If you are currently dealing with someone who is lashing out because he/she is broken…you know how easy it is to just respond in kind – with anger, irritation and harsh words. That however does not make you nor the other person better, instead it contributes to your own and their brokenness. So instead of meeting him/her head on (biting the bait, so to speak), approach him/her with gentleness, sincere concern and genuine love.

As John Maxwell states in the Situation Principle in his How to Win With People book: Strive to remember that a person is separate from the situation he/she creates. Focus on the person. Trust me it isn’t easy… in fact it is one of the most difficult things you are going to do in life. But it does become easier the more you do it.

That being said, if the person really did something terrible he/she should still be held accountable for his/her actions. Just because he/she was hurting doesn’t give him/her the right to hurt others.

4. Be generous with your power to heal.

It requires a great amount of generosity of self to be able to see an individual who is hurting himself and others. It even takes a greater amount of generosity of self to be able to be present and to share your healing power with someone who is hurting.

Being given the opportunity to provide presence, comfort, feedback, wisdom, assistance to another person is a gift! It isn’t easy to show pain and be vulnerable to others. As Coach Pia mentions in her book Born to Be A Hero, you have to watch out for listening moments and teaching moments.

5. Be patient and encourage all the time.

People heal at their own pace. Respect that pace. Rushing a broken person will not help him/her. This is true for yourself as well as the people around you.

More people will discourage and pull others down rather than encourage and lift others up. The second is more powerful!

5 Things I Learned from Ricky Tantoco

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 17, 2011

Tonight, the choral group I belong to, the Ateneo de Manila College Glee Club performed for officers and staff of the Energy Development Corporation at the invitation of one of our patrons Mr. Ricky and his wife, Vicky Tantoco. After the performance, Mr. Ricky Tantoco was gracious enough to chat with us. It was an evening of music, wine and wisdom. I picked up so many lessons tonight, but I’d like to share three in particular.

When Sir Ricky was in his mid-twenties, he found himself at a crossroads. He had been working for a multinational for sometime and had risen up the ranks and stationed abroad and was earning quite well. He was thinking of taking his MBA abroad. The company offered everything to get him to stay. Confused, he spoke with his uncle Cesar Buenaventura former CEO of Shell Philippines LLC in the 70s-80s. The first three things I learned from Sir Ricky, were actually pieces of wisdom his uncle Cesar shared with him.

1) Always choose skill over well everything else.
I would phrase it as… Go with where you can learn and grow. Choose skill and learning over pay, position, company friends, etc.
Note: Sir Ricky decided to leave the multinational and study.

2) Don’t compromise your integrity.
Simple and straight to the point, without integrity there is no sustainability.

3) The money will come when you’re in your forties.
Build a solid foundation from which to build your life and make each brick count. Reinforce areas that are weak and when the time comes you’ll find yourself with a structure people will pay for to see, to enter, to appreciate, to enjoy, to engage, to use, to exist in.

Sir Ricky also shared with us a conversation he had with Fr. Adolfo Dacanay, SJ the chair of the Theology department of the Ateneo de Manila University. Fr. Dax is a professor of theology and his courses focus on love and marriage. He is also a Canon Lawyer and as such has handled thousands of annulment cases in the Philippines. Sir Ricky asked Fr. Dax what based on his reasons are the 3 Most Important Reasons why Marriages are annulled. Sir Ricky, shared two with us… he forgot the third (but promised to check his notes and share the last one with us on our next Christmas Caroling with their family.)

4) One of the two partners are fundamentally broken.

I’ve done a piece about brokenness before, and I agree completely. The most broken people have experienced childhood trauma, violence or abuse that they never recover from. Sometimes they have cast a veneer of normalcy, so that you would never suspect how hollow their sense of self is. Initially, pointers are not definitive things like possessiveness and temperamentalness – things that would seem more like personality defects. But for broken people, these are just the tip of the iceberg. Their brokenness comes out by way of increasing frequency and degree of physical and especially psychological abuse.

5) The great divide and the Messianic Complex.

There is a great challenge when bridging divides between two people the most common is socio-economic disparity, educational disparity and religious disparity. You have one partner who feels ‘superior’ or ‘more blessed’ and thus feels that he or she can ‘improve’ the life of the other. Eventually the messiah feels frustrated that the other doesn’t want to change, and the one who doesn’t want to change feels pressured to change even if he or she doesn’t want to.

It was truly a night that reaffirmed the importance of connections and conversations…all that’s missing is convergence.

Have an Exit Strategy

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Nothing in life is permanent so even before you have something be ready to let it go. If you can’t let it go then it’s not good for you. It transforms from something that merely exists in your life to something you are either addicted to or obsessed with.

But being emotionally and psychologically ready to let go is only one side of the coin. The other is about how to actually ‘let go.’ I’m reminded of a concept we teach at Colayco Foundation about investing – before you invest you must know your exit strategy: the why and how you would pull out, redeem or cash in your investment.

In life, I realize, the same should apply. Know your exit strategy: why change will be needed and how to effect it, why letting go will be necessary and how to go about it.

Easier said than done – even just the ‘being psychologically and emotionally ready’ for impermanence, letting go and change… is already a tough one.

Below are some points I’ve found useful/practical.

Business/Entrepreneurship:

  • Start a business endeavor with the end in mind that you will eventually sell it to someone (when it is successful) – this means preparing and maintaining good legal and financial documents.
  • It also means, knowing the point at which you will say ‘this business is no longer profitable/feasible.’

Career / Job / Employment: Modern careers are characterized by dynamism – multiple changes in employment and at least one major career shift. Staying in one job for the rest of your life is becoming rare (even among entrepreneurs). Given this, I am reminded of Jim Rohn’s words: Learn to work harder on yourself, than you do on your job. Wherever you are now:

  • Figure out what you don’t want if you don’t know what you do want. Don’t wait till you are overwhelmed and frustrated with where you are right now before you speak up or decide to leave your company.
  • Work today knowing that you are leaving eventually – Do work well and maintain good relationships with your subordinates, peers, clients and superiors – your reputation and network will go a long way in the long run. Keep your documentation and files organized. Figure out what you don’t want if you don’t know what you do want.
  • Milk it dry : knowledge, skills, network, accomplishments…
  • Keep your end in mind… and the next step in sight.

Romantic Relationships:

  • Same as when you are employed…figure out what you don’t want if you don’t know what you do want. Don’t wait till you are overwhelmed and frustrated with your partner before you speak up or decide that it’s time to move on.
  • Be the better person always – whether you are the one with the desire and reason to leave (and thus cause hurt in the other person) or the one who was hurt. Or if you happen to be someone who betrayed your lover’s trust then be the better person moving forward.

Originally on Wisdom of a 20-Something – January 11, 2011

5 Things I Learned About Relationships From Meredith Grey

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 13, 2011 (seemed timely to re-post as I just finished Season 7 the other week)

As I was doing my normal thinking routine, I came across a couple of quotes from the fictional character: Meredith Grey from the US show Grey’s Anatomy. I love Grey’s Anatomy especially the first few seasons. Now, I’m not such an addict but I still try to keep up with the series. I know the show is a whole lot of drama and is an exaggeration of the universal human experience but well… that’s TV for you.

So here’s 5 things I learned about relationships from Meredith Grey

1. “At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.”

We are all afraid of being hurt, of disappointment, of being stupid…we do our best to guard our hearts, to be conservative in the risks we take in beginning to love someone and loving them some more. If we are willing, we let them in a little and then if all goes well we let them in a lot. But so many of us never really honestly lets the other person in-there is that line we are too conscious of- too afraid of crossing…the last line of defense that signals if I let you in you could destroy me…I would be at your mercy.

I don’t know how to figure out which lines are worth crossing and which ones aren’t. That’s a circumstance we each have to face and we respond to differently. But I think it is imperative that we face it and we make a decision – to avoid it, to exist in ambiguity is the greater torture.

2. “I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.”

Unwelcome advances are easy to spot – even without any physical contact you can already feel uncomfortable by just the intention  of the other person. But when you genuinely like the other person, his/her advances are welcomed…then we have to figure out whether it’s healthy or unhealthy – whether it’s good for us or not. What’s even more tricky is realizing that you want it but it’s not good for you!

3. “Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

There are so many intelligent women that are denial junkies when it comes to matters of the heart. (Full disclosure: I am one of them). We know better but still we choose something unhealthy for us. We rationalize and try to fool ourselves into thinking that things will go our way even though we know it’s never going to happen. Whether it’s unrequited love, an abusive and selfish partner,  an obsession with someone unattainable… the pattern is the same.

We wait till we’re at rock bottom, feeling like shit before we actually do something about it. Then we bash ourselves for being stupid when we should have been smarter than that.

4. “Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.“

Life is a series of ups and downs. To hope for perpetual happiness and to expect never-ending difficulties is the surest way to a life of misery. It is through celebrating the big and the small that joy is created and maintained. To acknowledge the difficulty and our resilience and love ourselves for it would be the greatest self-gift.

5. “At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”

No one wants to be alone. We all want to belong and feel connected to each other. If we only recognize that fact then maybe we can be grateful for the relationships we do have and work to make them better.

Well I hope your Valentine’s is better than mine! xoxo