Tag Archives: choice

Another 5 Things I Learned from Falling in Love

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At the start of 2011 I wrote a post entitled 5 Things I Learned from Falling In Love which I reposted on this blog a few month’s ago. It’s now the season of hearts and I’ve learned a couple more things. I found out a couple of weeks ago that a writer friend of mine-Eugene Soyosa reads my blog! *goshI Feeling ko super sikat na ko. So I’m dedicating this post to him, just coz.

1. Love doesn’t happen in a minute.

One of my friends had this as the status of his instant messenger…and upon reading it, I nodded my head in agreement. I think that infatuation, attraction, ‘clicking’ with someone happens almost at an instant but the deep love whether filial, platonic or romantic that sustains relationships take time. It is a feeling that moves one to make a choice and a choice that enables the feeling to be sustained. Feeling happens in an instant, but choosing to love takes a while…you have to clear away the clutter first.

2. Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. – M. Scott Peck, O Magazine, February 2004

Love stretches you…it leads, nudges and sometimes kicks you to the outskirts of yourself where you and the other engage. If you are willing, the experience of loving someone whether a brother, a friend or a partner calls you to make choices that are greater than yourself…that test your present self. It compels you to relate to the person you love with greater empathy, acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, patience, humility…but as M. Scott Peck frames, this generosity of self is only possible in the experience of real love.

3. Love and fear are frequent travelling companions.

Reflecting on my own experiences of love, I note that in the face of love I have also faced my fears. To love truly, one must open up oneself to the other – you. And in that face the fear of discovering yourself and the rejection of the other person.  In choosing to love someone-including accepting his/her flaws and your incompatibilities, you face the fear of losing control…of letting go of the other’s response (whatever it will) to your love. In giving the person you love time, support, effort – pieces of yourself, you inevitably face the fear of being consumed by the other person – losing yourself. Yet if the other truly loves, he/she will not allow that to happen.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.- 1 John 4:18

In the end, to really love and be loved you gotta get over your fear. The vulnerability you feel sheds light on the parts of yourself that you need to work on.

4. Knowing the 5 Languages of Love is invaluable in relationships.

So many relationship problems happen because of communication problems…sometimes its because one is close minded or the other is too focused on himself…but what if both parties are sincerely giving their all to understand the other person to no avail. According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, the two parties are not ‘speaking the same language.’ One is speaking in English and the other in French.

There are 5 Love Languages:

  • Words of Affirmation: You feel loved when you receive compliments. In return you make others feel loved by sharing your good thoughts about them. You value the spoken and written word. Being told – I love you, I’m sorry, You’re beautiful and hearing why the other feels that way sends you soaring.
  • Quality Time: Basically this means you greatly appreciate the attention of the other person, and likewise you also express your love by showering the person you love with your presence. You are the kind of person that will not be distracted by other things when you’re with someone you love: everything else is on hold.
  • Receiving Gifts: The thoughtfulness and effort of the gift giver makes you feel loved. Gift giving means that the other person has knows you, cares about you and is willing to make the effort to seek out and deliver a gift to you. Gifts don’t have to be expensive and extravagant but sincere and meaningful.
  • Acts of Service: Helping each other out with the day-to-day  things is an act of service. You express your love by making your partner’s load lighter, sharing responsibilities.
  • Physical Touch: Obviously, you are a touchy person. You like being affectionate and cuddly. You like holding hands, hugging, touching the shoulder, etc. You find comfort in a loving caress.

If you know your love language then you can guide your partner into making you feel more loved in a way that you can appreciate it. For example, if you appreciate acts of service then you can say – I really feel loved when you carry my things for me.

If you know your partner’s love language then you can express your love in a way that he/she will appreciate more. For example, if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts then you can get him/her something even when there’s no occasion just to show that you love him/her.

Imagine how much more loving your relationships would be just by communicating in the same language.

5. Love is measured by fullness and not by reception.

I think every person has been a recipient of acts that are not loving. It hurts us and pains us and we become conscious of the need to protect ourselves – of the need to ‘make sure’ that our love is reciprocated, otherwise why bother?

And yet anyone who has loved fully, knows that ‘reciprocity’ while wonderful is not a requirement for loving someone. Ideally one loves because one loves and not because one is loved (though loving and being loved is mutually reinforcing). As Harold Stokes says: “An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.”

Happy love month everyone!

5 Things I Learned from Falling In Love

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first published on January 24, 2011 on Wisdom of a 20-Something; republished on 5 Things I Learned on January 25, 2011

 

1) Falling in love is NOT a choice.

It is a feeling of intense attraction to another. A feeling that often comes suddenly and without warning. It’s often something that happens to you rather than something you make happen. It is a reaction to external stimulus. You wake up one day and realize that suddenly you’ve fallen in love.

2) Falling in love and being in love is a roller coaster of emotions.

It’s a time when your mind, heart and body are in complete agreement. You can’t stop thinking about him or her. Your heart feels everything – like its going to burst. And your body makes you feel all amorous and craving for intimacy.

At the same time your mind feeds you with doubts and worries. Your heart feels like its going to shrivel up if your feelings are not returned. And your body no matter what you do leaves you unsatisfied.

But you just go with the flow.

3) Falling in love involves a cocktail of hormones.

  • Adrenaline – results in the phenomenon of sweaty palms, heart palpitations and dry mouth
  • Dopamine – makes you feel desire and a rush of pleasure
  • Serotonin – why your loved one keeps popping in your thoughts
  • Oxytocin – (released during sex) deepens the feeling of attachment
  • Vasopressin – (also linked to sex) cements long term commitment

It’s all here in this article — http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

4) The feeling of falling in love and being in love fades.

As two people become more familiar with each other the rush of falling in love and being in love fades. Things about the other person begin to irritate you and other flaws become more noticeable.

5) Loving is a choice.

Falling in love is just the first step. Mature individuals recognize that real love requires effort. If both parties are ready, the feeling of falling and being in love can transform into something beautiful and lasting. To love is a choice, chosen every second through triumphs and losses, joy and anger, life and death, peace and pain, celebration and suffering.

5 Things I Learned About Comforters

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – January 26, 2011

Just so we’re on the same page… A comforter is a type of blanket much like a quilt or a duvet. It’s meant to keep the user warm and cozy on a cold night (or if your bed room is air conditioned.)

1. It’s really effective at keeping the cold out and the warmth in.

My room mate who also owns the flat I live in, recently decided that we needed an air conditioner for the fast coming summer months. The problem is, I’m extremely sensitive to the cold! I shiver if a fan is blowing in my direction. For a while, I used a wool blanket…which provided my some measure of warmth, enough so I could get to sleep and wake up with stiff muscles.

I dealt with the discomfort for a month till I finally came to my senses and got myself a comforter last weekend…and voila! Warmth…joyous warmth.

2. It keeps me in bed (and refusing to get out and really wake-up.)

Having a comforter wrapped around you… is almost (I repeat almost) like waking up in your loved one’s arms. It’s really comforting (forgive the pun). Of course nothing beats the real thing…a loving committed man beside me but till then I can spend a couple of minutes more under covers dreaming of him.

3. It is thick and heavy…and thus a chore to wash.

In a month’s time, I’ll be faced with the insurmountable task of washing my comforter. Filled with cotton (or whatever synthetic material it’s filled with that  makes it warm)…the filling absorbs an absurd amount of water and thus becomes really heavy. So arms and legs get ready for one helluva work out!

Then again…there’s a laundry shop nearby. I think I’ll go that route.

4. When folded it doubles up as a pillow.

A really really comfy pillow.

5. You can also use it as a sleeping bag or padded mat.

I remember at home when I’d have friends for a sleep over…when we ran out of fold-able mattresses piling on a couple of comforters on top of one another was a comfortable alternative to the hard cement floor… hey drunks can’t be ‘choosers’ right!

5 Things I Learned from “Make You Feel My Love”

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 2, 2011

“Make You Feel My Love” is a song composed and first released by Bob Dylan in 1997. I especially like the version of Adele because her rendition borders on gentle hope and sadness.

1. A touch-warm embrace, a strong hold, is a good way to make someone feel loved.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the star appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

2. Be patient and stay true and sincere.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
There’s no doubt in my mind where you belong

3. Don’t hold back. Be generous. Be ready to sacrifice and give of yourself.

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

4. It won’t be easy, you may be pushed away. Remember, who you are separate from who you love. Therein lies your strength.

The storms are raging on rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

5. If you truly love, their happiness comes first even if it isn’t with you.

There ain’t nothin’ that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

Be patient.

5 Things I Learned About Thinking About Death

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 12, 2011

I think about death everyday. Seriously! It’s something I started doing as a teenager. I daydream about death-other persons as well as mine. The scenarios are unlikely but often a real possibility such as my entire family dying in one fell swoop either from a vehicular accident or a house fire/explosion. I’ve thought of friends committing suicide and being killed (foul play). I’ve thought about the death of people who are important to the people who are important to me. I think about how I could die tomorrow or soon. I know it seems morbid…but really it’s not. I’m not wishing for death, mine or anyone else’s though truthfully sometimes I get so involved in my daydreaming that the scenes that play out in my head bring me to tears. Why do it (again and again) if it brings such sadness… well because every time I do it, I learn something important about myself, my relationships and about life and living.

1) I realize how meaningful a person is to me.

We all know the saying ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.’ Death is the ultimate ‘gone-ness.’ There’s no coming back from it… things that are left unsaid are unsaid, hurtful words we were never able to apologize for plague us who are alive, etc. Therapy, counseling and healing techniques for dealing with pain regarding a deceased loved one are corrective. And sadly more people do not get to fully heal from such a loss.

For someone like me who can be so ‘busy,’ it’s so easy for me to overlook the people in my life and how I feel about them. But when I think about them being gone, I remind myself that this person is important to me. Sometimes, I have even surprised myself with the intensity of the feeling of loss – I realize then that a certain person apparently meant so much more to me than I knew.

2) I am motivated to show that appreciation.

Gary Chapman in his book the 5 Languages of Love, talks about how we give and receive love differently. It is as if there is a filter saying this is how to love and this is what it feels like to be loved. The five languages of love are as follows: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Because I am reminded how important someone is to me, I am motivated to cultivate my relationship with him/her by communicating my appreciation and love. In the end there are only two things I want the other person to know: he/s is special to me, that I love him/her.

It takes a lot of work to cultivate relationships but its rewards are incomparable.

3) I get to visualize how I will respond to such events in the future. If I don’t like it, I can work on it now.

What if I found out when exactly I would die? Would I be one of those people that rush to cram doing everything they left for later between now and when they would die? Would I be someone who recoiled into herself at the idea that I would be dying, pushing everyone away? (For a time, that was the image that popped into my head when I thought about my own death. I’m working on figuring out why that is so. So far I’ve realized it has something to do with my having to be strong, independent and my fear of connecting with others).

When I think about other people dying, I try to see how I would react. Would I breakdown at the thought of losing my whole family? Could I survive it if my best friends died? Would it matter to me if people that rubbed me the wrong way passed away?

4) I am prompted to take note of the little things. (Well it’s one of the things I’m working on)

Again, I tend to rush through my day, observing and taking note only of what seems useful. So sadly, I have missed out on the random things that color my world, that lift me up, that inspire me, that make me feel alive, that give me joy. I’m learning to be more present to my self in my day… It is in the little things-glancing at the floor and finding a 100 peso bill, the unexpected smile from the stranger you cross on the street, a man holding the door for you as you enter, the giggle of a young toddler, the vibrancy of the color of a flower…

5) I am reminded to be present today, to enjoy each moment of life, to live now.

A moment comes but once…other moments may be similar but each moment is unique, never to be experienced again. For as we experience each moment, we are changed. We can never experience experiences again…all we have is today to savor it and embed it in our memories.

5 Things I Learned about Broken People

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 2, 2011

Life is a journey of ups and downs. Those that have a good life, learn the value and skill of self-healing early on. In the past two weeks alone, I’ve encountered so many people, from all walks of life and of various ages that share one thing in common – they are broken (and have been for some time).

Broken people are people who have been hurt but have not healed-they are still hurting. There are many different causes of brokenness and reasons for why one did not heal. Sadly, I have come to realize that there are many many more broken people and for so many of them they remain broken for years and maybe even till the day they day. There’s so much more to say about this, but for now I’ll stick to my 5 Things…

1. Broken people break other people.

Broken people are guarded – they are not generous with themselves. Why? Because their life experiences have caused them pain so they guard themselves as best as they can so as not to get hurt again. They are afraid to be vulnerable so they put up a front. The front can be of strength, of candor, of leadership, of arrogance and sometimes even of empathy. The basic commonality is that they keep most if not all people at a distance and they do not let themselves be vulnerable.

In being guarded however, a broken person is always on the defensive…such that if another person rubs him/her in the wrong way the broken person can react very strongly. In worst cases, a broken person is on the offensive – the insecurities that are rooted in his/her brokenness are always at the surface. They are ready to battle others anytime even over the smallest of things. The most broken people even cause brokenness around them. Some are negative, skeptic, unduly critical, not supportive, irritable, etc. these can be seen both in their words and in their actions which affect the people around them.

Broken people do not empower – the worst of them disempowers other people. I would bet through that they do not do this intentionally. Most are unaware of how their words, actions and behavior hurt other people. In many cases, it makes sense to them so they don’t have any reasons to change (this is the same for ourselves and our own brokenness).

2. Acknowledge your own brokenness.

Life’s ups and downs affect us all. No one is spared. So we’ve all been hurt, and most of the time we are also bearing our brokenness (usually hurts from our childhood that never healed).

I’m sure we’ve all been ‘broken’ at some point in our lives and it is highly likely that we will experience it again. The likelihood that we will feel pain and experience brokenness  again is high. Given this, understand where the other is coming from. The worst thing we can do for the people around us, is pass on our brokenness to them. So when you find yourself in that situation, take stock of the bigger picture and don’t lash out.

On the flip side, acknowledging our own brokenness should also lead us to #3.

3. Approach the broken with gentleness, sincere concern and genuine love.

If you are currently dealing with someone who is lashing out because he/she is broken…you know how easy it is to just respond in kind – with anger, irritation and harsh words. That however does not make you nor the other person better, instead it contributes to your own and their brokenness. So instead of meeting him/her head on (biting the bait, so to speak), approach him/her with gentleness, sincere concern and genuine love.

As John Maxwell states in the Situation Principle in his How to Win With People book: Strive to remember that a person is separate from the situation he/she creates. Focus on the person. Trust me it isn’t easy… in fact it is one of the most difficult things you are going to do in life. But it does become easier the more you do it.

That being said, if the person really did something terrible he/she should still be held accountable for his/her actions. Just because he/she was hurting doesn’t give him/her the right to hurt others.

4. Be generous with your power to heal.

It requires a great amount of generosity of self to be able to see an individual who is hurting himself and others. It even takes a greater amount of generosity of self to be able to be present and to share your healing power with someone who is hurting.

Being given the opportunity to provide presence, comfort, feedback, wisdom, assistance to another person is a gift! It isn’t easy to show pain and be vulnerable to others. As Coach Pia mentions in her book Born to Be A Hero, you have to watch out for listening moments and teaching moments.

5. Be patient and encourage all the time.

People heal at their own pace. Respect that pace. Rushing a broken person will not help him/her. This is true for yourself as well as the people around you.

More people will discourage and pull others down rather than encourage and lift others up. The second is more powerful!

5 Things I Learned about Birthdays

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 16, 2011. I wrote this for my friend’s birthday…and since today is my birthday. I thought it would be cool to re-release it today.

1. Friends have figured out that I have a signature birthday greeting:

Happy (insert person’s name here)-day!

My birthday is my day! It’s my day to celebrate me the way I want to celebrate that day. Last year, I wanted to celebrate my birthday by myself. I know it’s hard to believe but it was one of the best birthdays ever. The year before that, I celebrated my birthday with my office mates and our major partner. The year before that with my family and loved ones… The point it, I try to figure out what I consider to be celebrating my birthday and I celebrate my day. On my birthday, I have an untenable frame of mind that nothing, and I mean NOTHING is going to make my birthday suck!

That’s what I want to communicate when I greet people Happy (Name)-day! It’s your day, celebrate it how you want to celebrate it.

Aside: Since people have caught on I’ve been thinking of a different greeting? Any suggestions?

2. The relationship of # of years alive vs. birthday celebrated and age confuses me.

A baby is born on day 1…when the baby reaches day 365/366, he/she would have already been alive for 1 year. It is his/her 1st birthday/birth anniversary. Beginning day 365/366 until day 729/730, baby is referred to as 1 year old. His/her age is 1 (one), it is currently his/her 2nd year of life. When he/she reaches day 730/731, it will be his/her 2nd birthday/birth anniversary. He/she will be entering into his/her 3rd year of life.

But I guess saying how many full years you’ve lived (years old – age) is much easier than what year of life you are currently living.

3. I have a hunch that at least once in their adult lives, people want to experience a birthday party being thrown for them (whether its a surprise or not).

As children, our parents planned and took care of our parties…but as we get older by our teenage years and when we are adults-if we want a party we have to make it happen ourselves…that is unless someone throws us a surprise party.

Most often the difference between an regular birthday party and the surprise party is that in the former the celebrant is often the one making it happen-inviting guests, ensuring adequate food supply, etc. He/she has to worry about it. Whereas in the latter the celebrant is (or at least should be) clueless about the preparations, logistics, etc. and no effort is required from him/her because someone else made it happen.

It’s the “someone else made it happen because they love me and want me to feel special” aspect of surprise parties that celebrants appreciate! More than just helping a loved one with a party, throw a party for them. Don’t let them do anything except enjoy the celebration. :D

4. I am glad you were born and that you are still alive.

Birthdays are an opportunity for us to express to the celebrant how different our lives would be if he/she weren’t born and if he/she hadn’t lived so long. Birthday’s mark a year of life that has been lived. There are definitely a lot of memories (hopefully good ones) to celebrate.

5. Birthdays are an opportunity to start afresh.

Imagine a life without any ‘life markers’ that signify ends and beginnings – like birthdays-end of year 24 start of year 25, or new years-end of 2010 start of 2011, or seasons changing-spring to summer… and the like. Though technically we can ‘start afresh’ anytime we want to…it seems easier to some extent to make changes in our lives when there are clear transitions such as the events above. I think it has something to do with the psychological ritual of letting go of the past and being open to the future.

Every birthday is another chance to start a new hoping that our next year of life will be more than the one we are celebrating.

Murphy’s Law & Finagle’s Law

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I’ve been planning September 8 for months and well…now that I’m a couple of nights away, my plans are being thrown out the window and I couldn’t help but think about Murphy’s Law and in doing some research-Finagle’s Law as well.

Murphy’s Law (simplified) states that

“Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

Finagle’s Law (simplified) adds to that saying

"Anything that can go wrong will [go wrong] – at the worst possible moment.”

 

I’m a firm believer in the mindset that one should: prepare for the worst – hope for the best, because the truth is despite all your planning you never known how things will go down. You either have to be ready with plans b to g or you have to be someone who can think quickly on their feet and course correct effectively. This however has to be balanced with hope, because not knowing how things will go down can mean things will go better than planned and often things like this present themselves as opportunities requiring a choice — being overly focused on the plan will make it difficult to recognize these opportunities.

Prepare for the word – Hope for the best.

5 Things I Learned from Ricky Tantoco

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 17, 2011

Tonight, the choral group I belong to, the Ateneo de Manila College Glee Club performed for officers and staff of the Energy Development Corporation at the invitation of one of our patrons Mr. Ricky and his wife, Vicky Tantoco. After the performance, Mr. Ricky Tantoco was gracious enough to chat with us. It was an evening of music, wine and wisdom. I picked up so many lessons tonight, but I’d like to share three in particular.

When Sir Ricky was in his mid-twenties, he found himself at a crossroads. He had been working for a multinational for sometime and had risen up the ranks and stationed abroad and was earning quite well. He was thinking of taking his MBA abroad. The company offered everything to get him to stay. Confused, he spoke with his uncle Cesar Buenaventura former CEO of Shell Philippines LLC in the 70s-80s. The first three things I learned from Sir Ricky, were actually pieces of wisdom his uncle Cesar shared with him.

1) Always choose skill over well everything else.
I would phrase it as… Go with where you can learn and grow. Choose skill and learning over pay, position, company friends, etc.
Note: Sir Ricky decided to leave the multinational and study.

2) Don’t compromise your integrity.
Simple and straight to the point, without integrity there is no sustainability.

3) The money will come when you’re in your forties.
Build a solid foundation from which to build your life and make each brick count. Reinforce areas that are weak and when the time comes you’ll find yourself with a structure people will pay for to see, to enter, to appreciate, to enjoy, to engage, to use, to exist in.

Sir Ricky also shared with us a conversation he had with Fr. Adolfo Dacanay, SJ the chair of the Theology department of the Ateneo de Manila University. Fr. Dax is a professor of theology and his courses focus on love and marriage. He is also a Canon Lawyer and as such has handled thousands of annulment cases in the Philippines. Sir Ricky asked Fr. Dax what based on his reasons are the 3 Most Important Reasons why Marriages are annulled. Sir Ricky, shared two with us… he forgot the third (but promised to check his notes and share the last one with us on our next Christmas Caroling with their family.)

4) One of the two partners are fundamentally broken.

I’ve done a piece about brokenness before, and I agree completely. The most broken people have experienced childhood trauma, violence or abuse that they never recover from. Sometimes they have cast a veneer of normalcy, so that you would never suspect how hollow their sense of self is. Initially, pointers are not definitive things like possessiveness and temperamentalness – things that would seem more like personality defects. But for broken people, these are just the tip of the iceberg. Their brokenness comes out by way of increasing frequency and degree of physical and especially psychological abuse.

5) The great divide and the Messianic Complex.

There is a great challenge when bridging divides between two people the most common is socio-economic disparity, educational disparity and religious disparity. You have one partner who feels ‘superior’ or ‘more blessed’ and thus feels that he or she can ‘improve’ the life of the other. Eventually the messiah feels frustrated that the other doesn’t want to change, and the one who doesn’t want to change feels pressured to change even if he or she doesn’t want to.

It was truly a night that reaffirmed the importance of connections and conversations…all that’s missing is convergence.

5 Things I Learned About Relationships From Meredith Grey

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 13, 2011 (seemed timely to re-post as I just finished Season 7 the other week)

As I was doing my normal thinking routine, I came across a couple of quotes from the fictional character: Meredith Grey from the US show Grey’s Anatomy. I love Grey’s Anatomy especially the first few seasons. Now, I’m not such an addict but I still try to keep up with the series. I know the show is a whole lot of drama and is an exaggeration of the universal human experience but well… that’s TV for you.

So here’s 5 things I learned about relationships from Meredith Grey

1. “At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.”

We are all afraid of being hurt, of disappointment, of being stupid…we do our best to guard our hearts, to be conservative in the risks we take in beginning to love someone and loving them some more. If we are willing, we let them in a little and then if all goes well we let them in a lot. But so many of us never really honestly lets the other person in-there is that line we are too conscious of- too afraid of crossing…the last line of defense that signals if I let you in you could destroy me…I would be at your mercy.

I don’t know how to figure out which lines are worth crossing and which ones aren’t. That’s a circumstance we each have to face and we respond to differently. But I think it is imperative that we face it and we make a decision – to avoid it, to exist in ambiguity is the greater torture.

2. “I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.”

Unwelcome advances are easy to spot – even without any physical contact you can already feel uncomfortable by just the intention  of the other person. But when you genuinely like the other person, his/her advances are welcomed…then we have to figure out whether it’s healthy or unhealthy – whether it’s good for us or not. What’s even more tricky is realizing that you want it but it’s not good for you!

3. “Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

There are so many intelligent women that are denial junkies when it comes to matters of the heart. (Full disclosure: I am one of them). We know better but still we choose something unhealthy for us. We rationalize and try to fool ourselves into thinking that things will go our way even though we know it’s never going to happen. Whether it’s unrequited love, an abusive and selfish partner,  an obsession with someone unattainable… the pattern is the same.

We wait till we’re at rock bottom, feeling like shit before we actually do something about it. Then we bash ourselves for being stupid when we should have been smarter than that.

4. “Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.“

Life is a series of ups and downs. To hope for perpetual happiness and to expect never-ending difficulties is the surest way to a life of misery. It is through celebrating the big and the small that joy is created and maintained. To acknowledge the difficulty and our resilience and love ourselves for it would be the greatest self-gift.

5. “At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”

No one wants to be alone. We all want to belong and feel connected to each other. If we only recognize that fact then maybe we can be grateful for the relationships we do have and work to make them better.

Well I hope your Valentine’s is better than mine! xoxo