Tag Archives: breaking rules

5 Things I Learned From Horse Riding

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first published on January 12, 2011 on my Wisdom of a 20-Something; republished on 5 Things I Learned on January 25, 2011

1) Your bum is gonna hurt.

It’s a fact… but eventually you’ll be so used to the discomfort that it won’t matter. It’s the same in life…we eventually get desensitized from the not so ideal things that surround us. In some cases, like horse riding or learning to tune out noise or distractions that can be a good thing. But there are other things like poverty, injustice and cruelty that we should not want to be desensitized from.

2) Sometimes its ok not to follow the rules.

If you’ve ever gone horse riding, the first lesson you learn is how to mount and position yourself on a horse. Your bum should be in the saddle and your feet in their respective stirrups. I often removed my feet from the stirrups, just because.

On one occasion when I was a kid, my family went to this place where you could rent a horse for a ride. My mom decided to take a photo of me on the horse. The horse spooked, I was unprepared and got thrown off. It was a good thing that my feet (naturally) weren’t in the stirrups or I would have ended up with injured ankles, knees or both.

Knowing which rules to break, resist or go against is tricky. It can go both ways – you could be lucky or successful or you could be condemned.

3) Horses stink.

Let’s face it… all animals have a certain smell. I don’t care if its a goldfish or a snake or an elephant-there is always some sort of odor if not from the animal itself then from its habitat.

Like #1, you eventually get used to the smell.

4) Hold on.

Even the best trained horses have their moods and can be unpredictable. If I’d been holding on well, I probably wouldn’t have been thrown off the horse even if it did spook. (Note: I wasn’t holding the reigns.)

Life’s like that too… there are events and seasons where you just have to hold on.

5) Enjoy.

Horse riding is enjoyable… When you’re on a horse, you see things from a different perspective (literally). And usually, the place you are horse riding in is scenic. Enjoy the view and the experience.

5 Things I Learned from Ricky Tantoco

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – March 17, 2011

Tonight, the choral group I belong to, the Ateneo de Manila College Glee Club performed for officers and staff of the Energy Development Corporation at the invitation of one of our patrons Mr. Ricky and his wife, Vicky Tantoco. After the performance, Mr. Ricky Tantoco was gracious enough to chat with us. It was an evening of music, wine and wisdom. I picked up so many lessons tonight, but I’d like to share three in particular.

When Sir Ricky was in his mid-twenties, he found himself at a crossroads. He had been working for a multinational for sometime and had risen up the ranks and stationed abroad and was earning quite well. He was thinking of taking his MBA abroad. The company offered everything to get him to stay. Confused, he spoke with his uncle Cesar Buenaventura former CEO of Shell Philippines LLC in the 70s-80s. The first three things I learned from Sir Ricky, were actually pieces of wisdom his uncle Cesar shared with him.

1) Always choose skill over well everything else.
I would phrase it as… Go with where you can learn and grow. Choose skill and learning over pay, position, company friends, etc.
Note: Sir Ricky decided to leave the multinational and study.

2) Don’t compromise your integrity.
Simple and straight to the point, without integrity there is no sustainability.

3) The money will come when you’re in your forties.
Build a solid foundation from which to build your life and make each brick count. Reinforce areas that are weak and when the time comes you’ll find yourself with a structure people will pay for to see, to enter, to appreciate, to enjoy, to engage, to use, to exist in.

Sir Ricky also shared with us a conversation he had with Fr. Adolfo Dacanay, SJ the chair of the Theology department of the Ateneo de Manila University. Fr. Dax is a professor of theology and his courses focus on love and marriage. He is also a Canon Lawyer and as such has handled thousands of annulment cases in the Philippines. Sir Ricky asked Fr. Dax what based on his reasons are the 3 Most Important Reasons why Marriages are annulled. Sir Ricky, shared two with us… he forgot the third (but promised to check his notes and share the last one with us on our next Christmas Caroling with their family.)

4) One of the two partners are fundamentally broken.

I’ve done a piece about brokenness before, and I agree completely. The most broken people have experienced childhood trauma, violence or abuse that they never recover from. Sometimes they have cast a veneer of normalcy, so that you would never suspect how hollow their sense of self is. Initially, pointers are not definitive things like possessiveness and temperamentalness – things that would seem more like personality defects. But for broken people, these are just the tip of the iceberg. Their brokenness comes out by way of increasing frequency and degree of physical and especially psychological abuse.

5) The great divide and the Messianic Complex.

There is a great challenge when bridging divides between two people the most common is socio-economic disparity, educational disparity and religious disparity. You have one partner who feels ‘superior’ or ‘more blessed’ and thus feels that he or she can ‘improve’ the life of the other. Eventually the messiah feels frustrated that the other doesn’t want to change, and the one who doesn’t want to change feels pressured to change even if he or she doesn’t want to.

It was truly a night that reaffirmed the importance of connections and conversations…all that’s missing is convergence.

5 Things I Learned About Relationships From Meredith Grey

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 13, 2011 (seemed timely to re-post as I just finished Season 7 the other week)

As I was doing my normal thinking routine, I came across a couple of quotes from the fictional character: Meredith Grey from the US show Grey’s Anatomy. I love Grey’s Anatomy especially the first few seasons. Now, I’m not such an addict but I still try to keep up with the series. I know the show is a whole lot of drama and is an exaggeration of the universal human experience but well… that’s TV for you.

So here’s 5 things I learned about relationships from Meredith Grey

1. “At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.”

We are all afraid of being hurt, of disappointment, of being stupid…we do our best to guard our hearts, to be conservative in the risks we take in beginning to love someone and loving them some more. If we are willing, we let them in a little and then if all goes well we let them in a lot. But so many of us never really honestly lets the other person in-there is that line we are too conscious of- too afraid of crossing…the last line of defense that signals if I let you in you could destroy me…I would be at your mercy.

I don’t know how to figure out which lines are worth crossing and which ones aren’t. That’s a circumstance we each have to face and we respond to differently. But I think it is imperative that we face it and we make a decision – to avoid it, to exist in ambiguity is the greater torture.

2. “I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.”

Unwelcome advances are easy to spot – even without any physical contact you can already feel uncomfortable by just the intention  of the other person. But when you genuinely like the other person, his/her advances are welcomed…then we have to figure out whether it’s healthy or unhealthy – whether it’s good for us or not. What’s even more tricky is realizing that you want it but it’s not good for you!

3. “Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

There are so many intelligent women that are denial junkies when it comes to matters of the heart. (Full disclosure: I am one of them). We know better but still we choose something unhealthy for us. We rationalize and try to fool ourselves into thinking that things will go our way even though we know it’s never going to happen. Whether it’s unrequited love, an abusive and selfish partner,  an obsession with someone unattainable… the pattern is the same.

We wait till we’re at rock bottom, feeling like shit before we actually do something about it. Then we bash ourselves for being stupid when we should have been smarter than that.

4. “Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.“

Life is a series of ups and downs. To hope for perpetual happiness and to expect never-ending difficulties is the surest way to a life of misery. It is through celebrating the big and the small that joy is created and maintained. To acknowledge the difficulty and our resilience and love ourselves for it would be the greatest self-gift.

5. “At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”

No one wants to be alone. We all want to belong and feel connected to each other. If we only recognize that fact then maybe we can be grateful for the relationships we do have and work to make them better.

Well I hope your Valentine’s is better than mine! xoxo

5 Things I Learned from Crossing the Street

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 18, 2011

In Austria, when a pedestrian approaches the curb, vehicles give way. Drivers assume that the pedestrian will cross the street regardless if there is a pedestrian lane or not. In the Philippines, people get hurt and die because vehicles do not give way to pedestrians, even on the pedestrian lane – where INTERNATIONAL ROAD RULES dictate that pedestrians should have right of way.

Thus daily there are things to learn from crossing the street both literally and metaphorically.

1. Look both ways.

Literally: Look left and then look right for on-coming vehicles. Cross when the coast is clear!

Metaphorically: Taking stock of whats going on around you before making decisions and acting is always important. The mistakes we beat ourselves up for isn’t the ones we knew were coming, but the ones we didn’t notice.

2. Stay on the zebra crossing.

Literally: Cross on the pedestrian lane. Motorists expect you to cross there so they (should) slow down. Plus if anything happens to you, well legally a pedestrian has the right of way on the pedestrian lane!

Metaphorically: If people know what to expect from you, they can relate to you better-easier than if you have no consistency.

3. Heed warnings : cross at your own risk.

Literally: In the Philippines, there are signs that say “Walang tawiran, Nakamamatay” which means “No Crossing. Deadly.” These are rightly placed as Filipino motorists can be very reckless. Whenever available, use pedestrian lanes, foot bridges and under passes.

Metaphorically: Warning signs are all around, we just don’t notice them because we are either too busy (or too involved) to care or fooling ourselves that they are not there. Deep inside we know if a relationship isn’t good for us, we know that the work we are getting into will not bring us joy, we know that our relationships are on  the rocks. By not heeding these warnings, we can almost expect heartache.

4. You are always right of way, except when you aren’t.

Literally: The sanctity of human life will always be greater than the sanctity of a vehicle (or at least it damn well should always be.) But just because more often than not the ‘it’s always the vehicle’s fault’ argument wins in the Philippines doesn’t mean that pedestrians are without responsibility or blame. There are too many reckless pedestrians – those that walk the streets as if it were made for pedestrians.

Metaphorically: Each person has his/her rights. But these rights can be easily abused…responsibilities can be easily forgotten.

5. Be alert.

Literally: Even if you are doing the right thing – looking left and right, crossing in the right place, etc. you never know what other people are doing. Being alert means you are ready to jump out of the way in case a vehicle loses control and is headed towards you.

Metaphorically: Actually its almost the same as the literal meaning… we never know what’s around the corner… it could be something good, it could be something bad. We can only take advantage of it or avoid it, respectively, if we see it coming and adjust accordingly.