Tag Archives: attraction

Another 5 Things I Learned from Falling in Love

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At the start of 2011 I wrote a post entitled 5 Things I Learned from Falling In Love which I reposted on this blog a few month’s ago. It’s now the season of hearts and I’ve learned a couple more things. I found out a couple of weeks ago that a writer friend of mine-Eugene Soyosa reads my blog! *goshI Feeling ko super sikat na ko. So I’m dedicating this post to him, just coz.

1. Love doesn’t happen in a minute.

One of my friends had this as the status of his instant messenger…and upon reading it, I nodded my head in agreement. I think that infatuation, attraction, ‘clicking’ with someone happens almost at an instant but the deep love whether filial, platonic or romantic that sustains relationships take time. It is a feeling that moves one to make a choice and a choice that enables the feeling to be sustained. Feeling happens in an instant, but choosing to love takes a while…you have to clear away the clutter first.

2. Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. – M. Scott Peck, O Magazine, February 2004

Love stretches you…it leads, nudges and sometimes kicks you to the outskirts of yourself where you and the other engage. If you are willing, the experience of loving someone whether a brother, a friend or a partner calls you to make choices that are greater than yourself…that test your present self. It compels you to relate to the person you love with greater empathy, acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, patience, humility…but as M. Scott Peck frames, this generosity of self is only possible in the experience of real love.

3. Love and fear are frequent travelling companions.

Reflecting on my own experiences of love, I note that in the face of love I have also faced my fears. To love truly, one must open up oneself to the other – you. And in that face the fear of discovering yourself and the rejection of the other person.  In choosing to love someone-including accepting his/her flaws and your incompatibilities, you face the fear of losing control…of letting go of the other’s response (whatever it will) to your love. In giving the person you love time, support, effort – pieces of yourself, you inevitably face the fear of being consumed by the other person – losing yourself. Yet if the other truly loves, he/she will not allow that to happen.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.- 1 John 4:18

In the end, to really love and be loved you gotta get over your fear. The vulnerability you feel sheds light on the parts of yourself that you need to work on.

4. Knowing the 5 Languages of Love is invaluable in relationships.

So many relationship problems happen because of communication problems…sometimes its because one is close minded or the other is too focused on himself…but what if both parties are sincerely giving their all to understand the other person to no avail. According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, the two parties are not ‘speaking the same language.’ One is speaking in English and the other in French.

There are 5 Love Languages:

  • Words of Affirmation: You feel loved when you receive compliments. In return you make others feel loved by sharing your good thoughts about them. You value the spoken and written word. Being told – I love you, I’m sorry, You’re beautiful and hearing why the other feels that way sends you soaring.
  • Quality Time: Basically this means you greatly appreciate the attention of the other person, and likewise you also express your love by showering the person you love with your presence. You are the kind of person that will not be distracted by other things when you’re with someone you love: everything else is on hold.
  • Receiving Gifts: The thoughtfulness and effort of the gift giver makes you feel loved. Gift giving means that the other person has knows you, cares about you and is willing to make the effort to seek out and deliver a gift to you. Gifts don’t have to be expensive and extravagant but sincere and meaningful.
  • Acts of Service: Helping each other out with the day-to-day  things is an act of service. You express your love by making your partner’s load lighter, sharing responsibilities.
  • Physical Touch: Obviously, you are a touchy person. You like being affectionate and cuddly. You like holding hands, hugging, touching the shoulder, etc. You find comfort in a loving caress.

If you know your love language then you can guide your partner into making you feel more loved in a way that you can appreciate it. For example, if you appreciate acts of service then you can say – I really feel loved when you carry my things for me.

If you know your partner’s love language then you can express your love in a way that he/she will appreciate more. For example, if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts then you can get him/her something even when there’s no occasion just to show that you love him/her.

Imagine how much more loving your relationships would be just by communicating in the same language.

5. Love is measured by fullness and not by reception.

I think every person has been a recipient of acts that are not loving. It hurts us and pains us and we become conscious of the need to protect ourselves – of the need to ‘make sure’ that our love is reciprocated, otherwise why bother?

And yet anyone who has loved fully, knows that ‘reciprocity’ while wonderful is not a requirement for loving someone. Ideally one loves because one loves and not because one is loved (though loving and being loved is mutually reinforcing). As Harold Stokes says: “An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception.”

Happy love month everyone!

5 Things I Learned from Falling In Love

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first published on January 24, 2011 on Wisdom of a 20-Something; republished on 5 Things I Learned on January 25, 2011

 

1) Falling in love is NOT a choice.

It is a feeling of intense attraction to another. A feeling that often comes suddenly and without warning. It’s often something that happens to you rather than something you make happen. It is a reaction to external stimulus. You wake up one day and realize that suddenly you’ve fallen in love.

2) Falling in love and being in love is a roller coaster of emotions.

It’s a time when your mind, heart and body are in complete agreement. You can’t stop thinking about him or her. Your heart feels everything – like its going to burst. And your body makes you feel all amorous and craving for intimacy.

At the same time your mind feeds you with doubts and worries. Your heart feels like its going to shrivel up if your feelings are not returned. And your body no matter what you do leaves you unsatisfied.

But you just go with the flow.

3) Falling in love involves a cocktail of hormones.

  • Adrenaline – results in the phenomenon of sweaty palms, heart palpitations and dry mouth
  • Dopamine – makes you feel desire and a rush of pleasure
  • Serotonin – why your loved one keeps popping in your thoughts
  • Oxytocin – (released during sex) deepens the feeling of attachment
  • Vasopressin – (also linked to sex) cements long term commitment

It’s all here in this article — http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

4) The feeling of falling in love and being in love fades.

As two people become more familiar with each other the rush of falling in love and being in love fades. Things about the other person begin to irritate you and other flaws become more noticeable.

5) Loving is a choice.

Falling in love is just the first step. Mature individuals recognize that real love requires effort. If both parties are ready, the feeling of falling and being in love can transform into something beautiful and lasting. To love is a choice, chosen every second through triumphs and losses, joy and anger, life and death, peace and pain, celebration and suffering.

5 Things I Learned From Wearing Killer Heels

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – January 30, 2011

In an attempt to look hot, professional and intimidating, I wore a killer pair of high heels recently. Here’s the 5 things I learned from that experience.

1. Customize, customize, customize…

Anyone who has ever endeavored to wear heels higher than 2 inches will know that it is uncomfortable…if not, it will be after a couple of hours. Even seasoned high heal wearers like celebrities and models will attest to that. But there are tips and tricks to make the experience a hell of a lot more comfortable… one of them is to customize your heels for a better fit.

Unless your heels were made for you and custom-crafted according to a mold of your foot and according to the way you walk…even the best fitting heels need a little customization. For me, I attached a heel grip to tighten the back of the shoe for a more snug fit. I also added 2 foam taps-gel and fabric cushions that went under the balls of my feet to absorb the shock when walking. Lastly I added, arch support for the added comfort.

Normally, wearing heels like that would have had me groaning in pain within two hours or so of walking and moving around. The padding I had added lengthened it’s comfortable wearability to 4 hours.

2. Sit down and let your feet and legs rest.

Sitting down is not enough, if you’re like me, the type of girl that still puts weight on your feet while seated. I’ve found that instead of keeping my heel clad feet firmly planted on the floor while seated, the best and most relaxing for my feet and legs is to cross my ankles and tuck my feet under the chair. (If you’re familiar with the movie Princess Diaries, refer to the scene where the Queen [Julie Andrews] teaches the Mina [Anne Hathaway] the proper way to sit. Mia actually falls of the chair when she tries it, but trust me it’s not that difficult.)

P.S. Crossing your legs actually isn’t that comfortable either…you’re letting one leg rest but the other is getting a beating.

3. It’s hard to run when you’re in high heels – whether your running toward or running away.

I’m a really fast walker, even in heels. But the heels, I wore the other day were higher than usual and I couldn’t walk as fast as I normally did for fear of losing balance and falling. It was a great feat to walk slower than I normally do. The experience makes me wonder how performers and dancers manage to do what they do-wear heels, dance and not fall on their faces or butts.

Wearing low heeled shoes and flats are definitely better options if you’re expecting a lot of walking and fast movement but learning how to move fast in killer heels would be all the more sexy if you’re running toward someone and all the more memorable if you’re running away from someone.

4. Thus, after #3, work your femininity into each step.

Being ‘forced’ to walk slower than normal, I had to work each step-to consciously infuse my power, sensuality and confidence into each step.

Use the time to hone your feminine power.

5. Thus after #4. enjoy the attention.

High heels get you noticed. In my case though, it got me more looks than I usually get. I’m decently attractive and the way I walk and present myself generally turns heads. However…I’d usually walk briskly and confidently. This time however, I couldn’t walk fast and walking slowly made me feel vulnerable and ‘on display.’ I couldn’t plow through like I normally do. Walking at a slow pace, I could not help but observe the area and the people around me…and interact with them to some degree.

It can be unnerving to have a lot of eyes on you if you aren’t ready, but just relax and enjoy the attention…you can even flirt a bit.

5 Things I Learned from “Make You Feel My Love”

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 2, 2011

“Make You Feel My Love” is a song composed and first released by Bob Dylan in 1997. I especially like the version of Adele because her rendition borders on gentle hope and sadness.

1. A touch-warm embrace, a strong hold, is a good way to make someone feel loved.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the star appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

2. Be patient and stay true and sincere.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
There’s no doubt in my mind where you belong

3. Don’t hold back. Be generous. Be ready to sacrifice and give of yourself.

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

4. It won’t be easy, you may be pushed away. Remember, who you are separate from who you love. Therein lies your strength.

The storms are raging on rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

5. If you truly love, their happiness comes first even if it isn’t with you.

There ain’t nothin’ that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

Be patient.

5 Things I Learned About Relationships From Meredith Grey

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Originally on 5 Things I Learned – February 13, 2011 (seemed timely to re-post as I just finished Season 7 the other week)

As I was doing my normal thinking routine, I came across a couple of quotes from the fictional character: Meredith Grey from the US show Grey’s Anatomy. I love Grey’s Anatomy especially the first few seasons. Now, I’m not such an addict but I still try to keep up with the series. I know the show is a whole lot of drama and is an exaggeration of the universal human experience but well… that’s TV for you.

So here’s 5 things I learned about relationships from Meredith Grey

1. “At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.”

We are all afraid of being hurt, of disappointment, of being stupid…we do our best to guard our hearts, to be conservative in the risks we take in beginning to love someone and loving them some more. If we are willing, we let them in a little and then if all goes well we let them in a lot. But so many of us never really honestly lets the other person in-there is that line we are too conscious of- too afraid of crossing…the last line of defense that signals if I let you in you could destroy me…I would be at your mercy.

I don’t know how to figure out which lines are worth crossing and which ones aren’t. That’s a circumstance we each have to face and we respond to differently. But I think it is imperative that we face it and we make a decision – to avoid it, to exist in ambiguity is the greater torture.

2. “I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.”

Unwelcome advances are easy to spot – even without any physical contact you can already feel uncomfortable by just the intention  of the other person. But when you genuinely like the other person, his/her advances are welcomed…then we have to figure out whether it’s healthy or unhealthy – whether it’s good for us or not. What’s even more tricky is realizing that you want it but it’s not good for you!

3. “Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

There are so many intelligent women that are denial junkies when it comes to matters of the heart. (Full disclosure: I am one of them). We know better but still we choose something unhealthy for us. We rationalize and try to fool ourselves into thinking that things will go our way even though we know it’s never going to happen. Whether it’s unrequited love, an abusive and selfish partner,  an obsession with someone unattainable… the pattern is the same.

We wait till we’re at rock bottom, feeling like shit before we actually do something about it. Then we bash ourselves for being stupid when we should have been smarter than that.

4. “Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.“

Life is a series of ups and downs. To hope for perpetual happiness and to expect never-ending difficulties is the surest way to a life of misery. It is through celebrating the big and the small that joy is created and maintained. To acknowledge the difficulty and our resilience and love ourselves for it would be the greatest self-gift.

5. “At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day – those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.”

No one wants to be alone. We all want to belong and feel connected to each other. If we only recognize that fact then maybe we can be grateful for the relationships we do have and work to make them better.

Well I hope your Valentine’s is better than mine! xoxo